Category Archives: Resurrection

Off My Meds… kinda

*runs around screaming*

Aah, but sadly, it’s nothing that fun or crazy. All that’s happened is that I’m trying to get down to a lower dose of antidepressants. Cutting it in half, in fact (though not cutting the pills themselves… that’s a no-no with this one).

Have you ever talked to a doctor about Depression? I always have a hard time not laughing at them. There are certain questions they have to ask you about your mood, etc. When they get to the ones about thoughts of suicide or self-harm, they always look at me like I’m a dangerous animal. Maybe not a tiger, but definitely a mangy raccoon that may or may not have rabies. They approach cautiously, gently, and very apprehensively. All of them. It’s kind of adorable.

When I mentioned it last week, my doctor looked at me like I was asking her for a referral to have my nose grafted onto my forehead. Things have been going well. Really well. I feel good, I’m sleeping well for the first time in years, my brain is functioning on many levels (even if my memory is still crap), I’m getting writing done, though I still can’t concentrate on anything that doesn’t interest me. Why would I want to change anything?

Because I don’t like being on more medication than I have to be. My body is sensitive to a lot of chemicals: MSG and aspartame give me headaches, and I’ve had to switch meds several times because of nasty side-effects. I don’t think I’m suffering now, but who knows? Maybe I’ll feel better once I adjust. I’ve been told by several doctors that I’ll probably never not need something. I have Depression, I’ve learned that needing medication for that is no more shameful than someone with diabetes needing insulin (this seems to be the go-to comparison), it’s part of my brain chemistry, runs in my family, all of that. That doesn’t mean I want to be on more than I need to be.

It’s not an easy adjustment. Missing a dose leaves me feeling cloudy-headed and muddled, and today, after four days of half-doses, I’m experiencing the same thing. I’m moving at regular speed, but my brain is processing everything around me in slow-motion. I feel like I’m sitting inside of my head looking out through my eyes. I can’t focus on editing; those words won’t come. I did that WIPpet Wednesday thing after one reduced dose, and that was OK; I wrote 6,000 words on it yesterday (and I owe the house and my kids an apology for kind of letting chaos reign while I did). I guess letting new ideas flow is easier right now than perfecting the ones I’ve seen a hundred times already. But I’m not in pain, and so far my mood isn’t crashing. Well, I’m feeling a bit down this morning (Friday). It’s partly because of that, but partly because of a simmering stew of other factors, including the fact that I forgot about Ike’s last KinderStart class.*

So why now? Because I’ve been getting more exercise, and they say that’s as good for depression as antidepressants are. I can’t get out with Jack every day, but we do pretty well, working around AJ’s work schedule and the weather. If we get an elliptical for the basement, even better. I think the exercise is doing a lot for my mental health (darn them for being right, I hate sweating!), and I want to see if it holds up without as much pharmaceutical support as it’s been getting. I’m trying to eat better, but that’s hard sometimes. The days are getting longer, and sunlight helps. There’s no perfect time to try this, but now seems better than January would have been. *shhudder*

I’m going to keep writing, even if editing my beloved primary WIP has to be put on hold until my head is de-muzzified, one way or another. Writing helps as much as the exercise does, but it’s harder to do when I’m feeling all stupid-like.  I’ll keep going with those vampire types, just for fun. I’m excited about the club, the food-people (better name pending),  Shivva and Trixie’s first assignment, the bad guys who are just SO persuasive about their cause, and the possibility that one of these young ladies isn’t going to stay true to hers… It’s just a jumbled mess of ideas right now, but it’s been a while since I really explored something new, and the excitement might keep me going through the tough days.

I’m also going to get outside more with the boys; we’re starting a vegetable garden, and I want to get them out to the walking trails when the snow is all gone from down there. I’m going to read more. I might need to sleep more, but I’m not going to let it become an escape.

TL;DR – I apologize in advance if things get weird around here in the next few weeks.

Er… weirder 🙂

20130502-213019.jpg

…but at least I don’t feel like he looks.

*It was only an hour or so, less than once a month on an irregular schedule. I don’t do well with irregular schedules. I feel like a bad mom. 😦


WIPpet Wednesday: The First, You Say?

Confession: I was going to give you one word, but I already gave you my best word yesterday.

That word, of course, is “Hmrflphmrmbn.”

So now what am I supposed to do? For those of you just joining us (and by the way, welcome!), WIPpet Wednesday is a fantastic weekly event hosted by K.L. Schwengel where we share a bit of a work in progress that somehow relates to the day’s date. Today is 5/1/13… let me see what I can dig up.

So many possibilities! A first kiss? First dance? First anything else? Perhaps. Paragraph one of chapter five? Nope, already did that. Something that’s in first-draft stage? I wouldn’t do that to you.

Wait, yes I would! We WIPpeteers are all about exposing ourselves, aren’t we? Wait… that’s not right. You know what I mean.

First of May, first draft. First pass at the first scene of a new series of… eh, short stories, novellas, who am I to say? Set in our own world, just to shake things up a bit, no connection with previous WIPpet posts (lest you all think I’m a less-than-impressive, amateur, one-trick pony). It’s a long one; feel free to skip if you’re not fond of questionable language,  or the undead talking about sex and religion. For reals, I’d rather have you give this one a pass than offend anyone.

(And yes, I know, flogging a dead horse, but it’s fun!)

(untitled)

Easter Sunday, early evening.

The faithful file into the little white church, oblivious to the dark shape huddled on a rooftop across the road. It’s always cold here in the spring, especially near the water; their breath puffs out in clouds, like the wood smoke that rises from the chimney beside me. I force my diaphragm to expand, pulling air into my lungs and forcing my leather jacket tight against my breasts, but the exhalation that follows isn’t at all visually impressive. One needs body heat for a trick like that.

The river of the congregants slows, but the music continues. If you can call it that; the pre-recorded clanging coming from the speakers on the steeple is dreadful, but it serves its purpose. No one in town could possibly be unaware of the fact that there’s a service about to begin. O Come All Ye Faithful and all that. Wait. No, that’s Christmas. I should remember, but it’s been so long since I stepped into a church that it has become muddled. A minivan pulls into the full church parking lot, circles around, then winds its way through the rows of cars to a spot at the school next door. A harried-looking mother drags a crying toddler from the back while the father lifts a little blonde girl in a flowered dress to the ground. It would be a perfect picture if not for the fact that the dress isn’t nearly warm enough, and the parents hurry the girl into the church when all she wants to do is pause on the steps and twirl to make her skirt flare out. Her father drags her inside, and the door closes again.

“You bastard,” I whisper, and wish I had a cigarette in hand so I could flick the ash for emphasis.

She lands silently on the roof, out of sight, but I feel her coming. “Hey, babe,” she whispers, rousing me from my pensive state. She’s supposed to be my mentor, having been at this five years longer than me, but Trixie has always taken a casual approach. She slides down the slope of the roof and drops to sit beside me. “What’s happening?”

“Easter.”

“Jesus Christ.”

I’m not sure whether she’s cursing or making conversation. “Exactly. I feel a certain affinity for him this time of year. Death. Coming back. Unbelievers.”

“Fluffy bunnies and chocolate.”

“That, too.” I remove my sunglasses and squint at the cross on top of the steeple. So much more tasteful than the full crucifix displayed at the Catholic church down the road, though when I think about it, both seem odd. I was killed with a gun; if I had followers, I wouldn’t want them wearing pistols around their necks.

Trixie watches me, apparently finding the situation amusing. “Poor little child, stuck in the past.” She tilts her head to one side, flipping one of her electric blue pigtails forward over her shoulder. “Did you go, before?”

“I did.”

“Do you miss it?”

“Nah.” We’re not supposed to dwell on our lives. Regret is pointless, and nothing can be changed, in life or in death.

“Of course she doesn’t.” I didn’t hear Daniel coming, or feel him. I don’t spend as much time with our field trainer as I do with Trixie, and I’m not attuned to him. It’s an ability that’s been slow in coming to me, and it makes training difficult. “Shivva thinks of nothing but the future, her role in the maintenance of this miserable land’s supernatural resources, the enforcement of… what?”

Trixie is grinning at him.“Shivva’s got a girlie hard-on for church bells.”

“Oh, that’s fine. I was worried she was thinking about sampling from this holy buffet.”

Trixie giggles. “Smorgasbord of the righteous!

I glare at them and put my sunglasses back on. It’s not summer yet, but the light is already getting to me on clear days.

“Aww, whatsa matter, Shivva my love?” Daniel asks in his thickest bayman’s accent, which he’s perfected over his years on the island. “Is de sonlight bodderin’ ye?” He laughs at his own stupid pun, and I take my time raising a fist and flipping him the bird with one pink and green-painted fingernail. “Oh, that’s not nice.”

“I’m sorry, is that too intimidating for you?” I unroll my pointer and ring fingers a joint to leave less of the middle digit exposed, and Daniel claps a hand over his heart and falls backward off of the roof.

“That hurt, Shiv,” he calls up from the ground. “That hurt a lot.”

“Come prove me wrong.”

When his pale brown eyes appear over the edge of rooftop gutter, they express more sadness than I believe he’s capable of feeling. “Be good. I shows you when we gets back to town.”

“Oh, yes.” Bullshit teasing is all it is. Maybe I would have found Daniel attractive if we’d both been alive, but it hardly bears thinking about now. Not only is he my trainer, he’s also dead. Not having a pulse wreaks havoc on a guy’s sex life, unless he’s keen on pharmaceuticals.

Trixie leans back on her elbows and watches the sun set as Daniel pulls himself back onto the roof. “We going, or what?”

“Yes, my dears.” Daniel has dropped the accent, but not the dialect. We’re not really his dears. He’s what the locals call “best kind” on days off, but when we’re training it feels more like we’re his soldiers or his slaves. “Vacation is over, and we leave these fine people to their— Oh, what in the name of everything unnatural is this shit?” He’s been interrupted by the church’s speakers, which are now blasting some hymn, broadcasting the congregation’s mixed vocal talents aver the town. He shakes his head. “I remember when church bells meant something, when they sounded good, played on the hour, and didn’t split my head open with the wailings of Mrs McGuillicutty and her Caterwauling Carolers.”

“Carols are for Christmas,” I remind him.

“Don’t care.” He glares at the church, and turns back to us, all business. “We’re needed in town, ladies.” He studies us for a few seconds, frowning as we continue to laze on the cooling shingles. “Though it doesn’t look much to me like either of you is ready for your first assignment.”

We’re on our feet before he finishes the word. “What?” we ask together.

“As I said. I told Miranda you’re ready, and she said to bring you to the club tonight. Get changed, we’re flying home. Oh, and if you disappoint me, your young, dead asses are mine. Understood?”

Trixie grins at me, and I bounce on the toes of my boots as the excitement fills me. Daniel has been telling us we’re not likely to be ready until well into the next century; this news is both thrilling and terrifying. “What is it?” Trixie squeaks.

“Rogues.”

The energy seems to flow out through the soles of my feet, leaving me empty and weak. Trixie and I look at each other, and she chews her lip. “On our first assignment?” she asks, but Darius is gone in a flurry of fog as he transforms into a hulking gargoyle-like shape and flies East.

There’s nothing for us to do but follow.

That’s it. Aren’t first drafts charming? It’ll kill me not to pick at this, screaming “LIKE ME! LIKE MEEEE!” But I won’t. Oh, also first attempt at more than a few paragraphs of present-tense, inspired by this blog post by kiralynblue- but hey, it’s first person! Oh, and their first assignment. Hey, I’ve got this May first thing locked up. 🙂

Don’t forget to check out the rest of the WIPpeteers’ works for this Wednesday and share the love. If you’d like to join the fun, click on that link and add your own work in progress snippet, as per the rules stated above.


CPs and Protecting Your Work- How Do You Do It?

I recently had an experience that has the little gears in my brain a-whirling, and I’d love to know everyone’s thoughts on the subject.

I’ve been trying out a few critique partners (CPs), trading a few chapters to get a feel for each other’s work and critique styles, and to see how well we might work together. It’s a harder process than I anticipated, but necessary. I appreciate my friends who have read over Bound in its various stages of done-ness, who gave me gentle feedback when I needed it. But there comes a time when you can’t rely on friends and family to tell you what you need to hear, and you need an unbiased opinion. Enter the CP, a creature a step higher than the beta reader in the editorial chain.

The first one I worked with gave me good advice, but she seems to have disappeared. I’ve found a few other potentials through Ladies Who Critique, but for the most part we’re still feeling each other out. One, on advice from a friend of hers, asked me to sign a non-disclosure agreement (NDA) before she sent her work over.

My first reaction was, “Well that’s odd, but whatever. Can’t hurt.”

Really, it’s a good idea. I tend to trust that other writers aren’t out to steal my work; I know I’ve got ideas (concepts, anyway) lined up out the door and down the street SHUT THE DOOR, IDEAS, YOU’RE LETTING THE HEAT OUT! Jeez, born in a barn much? What was I saying?

Oh, right. I don’t need to lift ideas, concepts, plot twists, or anything else from someone else’s work, and I tend to trust that other people will offer me the same respect. Couldn’t hurt to cover your ass though, right? Seriously, we hardly know these people.

Completely agreed. And for that reason I almost signed; after all, I had no plans to reproduce, distribute, or otherwise screw with anyone else’s work, let alone this person’s (who seems super nice, and I wanted to work with her).

And then it hit me, as these things tend to do. Slapped me right upside the head.

I need to watch my own ass, too. Legally speaking. Not literally, I’m not that bendy.

Her novel has nothing in common with Bound, which is my main focus right now, and what she’d be critiquing. But it’s not my only project. The Newfoundland Supernatural series (working title only, please check your torches, pitchforks, and/or flaming pitchforks* at the door) of short stories and novellas that I’m working on is still in early stages, but it keeps popping up, insisting that I work on it between other things. And for that one, there are surface similarities.

Some genres are just full to busting, this one in particular. In a crowded elevator you try not to step on anyone’s feet, but it’s kind of accepted that you’re going to bump into one another. Also, you’re stuck smelling other people’s farts, and all you can do is suffer through it and hope the stink doesn’t follow you out. But I digress.

To put it more clearly (and less disgustingly), when you’re using similar concepts/tropes, there’s a really good chance that you’re going to have some of the same ideas, even if you think they’re brilliantly original. Most of us will grumble about it but acknowledge that the idea wasn’t stolen, and in the end the stories come out completely different, anyway.

If I signed a NDA saying that I wouldn’t use any of the information in any way, I could be opening myself up to lawsuits over ideas that were mine to begin with, just because I read them in someone else’s work at a later date.

Is that being paranoid? Probably. I don’t think this person would sue me, and I hope she doesn’t think I’d steal her ideas.**

Fact is, you can’t copyright an idea. Stephanie Meyer can’t stop other people from writing a vampire-werewolf-dumbass girl love triangle, presumably because it’s an idea that people could have arrived at on their own. Can you imagine how busy the courts would be if there were lawsuits every time someone based a novel on a fairy tale? *shudder*  In essence, if I signed this particular NDA, I’d be saying that it was OK to sue me for having a similar idea/concept/setting/etc. I don’t know that the lawsuit would go anywhere, but I don’t want to have to worry about it.

It hurt to say no, mostly because I’m a people-pleaser who cares way too much what strangers think of me. My first thought was, “if I don’t sign, she’s going to think I’m an idea-sucking monster.” I’m sure I’m not giving her enough credit, but hey, I’m nuts like that.

Got me thinking, though. Am I doing too little to protect my own work? So far I’ve only showed the full manuscript to trusted friends, and the CP I hope to continue working with seems like a trustworthy sort (and in the same “why the heck would I steal YOUR idea when I have my own?” boat). I think my idea is good. I like it. I’m having fun with it. But I’m also aware that it’s not as special to other people as it is to me, and I don’t think I need a layer of legal documentation to protect my precious snowflake; I’d be happy with a casual agreement that the work won’t be reproduced or redistributed in any way. Maybe that’s the wrong attitude.

What I want to know is, where do you stand on this? Do you get people to sign something before they critique a work-in-progress or review an unpublished work? If not, do you worry that people will take advantage of your openness? Am I being unreasonable in not signing a 2-page document full of legal-speak that’s just protecting someone else’s hard work? Have you been in this situation on either side, or has someone reproduced your work without permission? Any other thoughts?

*Officially calling shotgun on “Flaming Pitchforks” for my band name.

**Actually, I know she doesn’t think that– she got back to me, and completely understands why I couldn’t sign. Darn it, I like her!


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