Category Archives: Funnies

FRACTURED FAIRY TALE FRIDAY: Black & Blue Edition

Once upon a time, the Empress called the finest seamstress in the land to her chambers.

“I require a dress,” the Empress announced. “One that shall be the talk of the land. For it is nearly my birthday, and I wish to be the centre of attention.”

“Of course,” the seamstress said, and curtseyed.

Days later, the Empress tried on her new dress. “Fantastic!” she cried. “The white and gold really complement my hair.”

Her servants exchanged nervous glances. “It’s blue and black,” whispered the chambermaid.

The royal toilet-flusher hushed her. “Never contradict the Empress,” she said, but the Empress heard.

“What is this nonsense?” she asked. “The dress is white and gold. It’s clear as my porcelain skin.”

“My bad,” the chambermaid replied.

“Aah, yes,” the seamstress said. “You see, only the wisest and most worthy will see the dress as white and gold. It appears blue and black to the low. Both are terribly flattering, I assure you.”

The Empress hit the streets. Within minutes the city was in turmoil. Those who saw blue and black hurled boots at those who saw white and gold, while ‘team white and gold’ jeered and insulted their enemies’ grandmothers. Families were torn in two. Life-long loyalties were destroyed. Novelty tee shirt merchants and meme-smiths made a fortune.

A pair of llamas broke free from the Royal Llamary and raced through the streets.

Eventually the dust cleared. Grudging apologies echoed through the streets, and a special lost-and-found was set up for boots (though not for insulted grandmothers).

And when the dust cleared, the people discovered that the seamstress had cleared out the royal treasury during the commotion.

She is now a professional celebrity with four million Instagram followers.

THE END

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L is for Lip-Reading (Bad)

*runs over, panting*

There’s no time to explain. Or to write a long post. I just… just take these, okay? I know many of you have seen these before, but it works for the letter, okay? And they’re still funny even after a few viewings.

I gotta go.

*takes off running, leaves videos*

 

 

 

“Drank.”

 

*runs back* Almost forgot– more blog stuffs of L here. *faints, revives, runs off again*

 


Loki, You Got Some ‘Splainin to Do!

I told Loki he could come to St. John’s with us this weekend- I was hoping for some epic (and adorable) photo ops.

And then I forgot to pack him.

It seems he was displeased.

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Engrish* and Rip-offs and Copyright Infringement, Oh My!

Here we go again! I’ve been collecting pictures every time we stop by Rossy, aka Fakie Central. I just haven’t been posting. Enjoy!

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Healthy new fashion! New concept of beauty! Sounds exciting right? Maybe a realistic body image, or…

OH DEAR LORD, LOOK AT HER LEGS.

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Apparently this healthy new fashion has no room for frivolities like knees and muscles. THESE THINGS MATTER NOT IN THE HEALTHY NEW FASHION!

WHY AM I YELLING?

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Stylish dolls series deserve most to collect!

Wow. Disney is going to slap a bitch (with a lawsuit, obviously). They’re not so keen on the whole copyright infringement thing, y’know?

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*headdesk* Now you’ve done it. You’ve stolen the font. THE SACRED DISNEY FONT.

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Does anyone else think it looks like the Princesses are experiencing problems with the water pressure in the Royal Showers? Their hair seems to be lacking in that unrealistic bounce and poof thing they usually have going on.

Let’s see what else is happening with this particular product…

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OMG THERE’RE TOTALLY 3FUNCTIONS, GUYS! 😀

I should wrap this up. There’s more for another time, but I need to sort through the BOUNTY OF PHOTOS to make sure I’m not re-posting anything you’ve all seen before. To finish up, let’s have a rip-off from another company– not Mattel or Disney this time, but Hasbro, makers of my beloved My Little Pony:

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*shudder*

Knock off toy and stolen box art from my least-favourite generation of ponies. I never would have thought they could be creepier than the Hasbro versions. I was mistaken.

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Aww, guys. She loves the collo. Loves it SO DAMN MUCH.

For anyone who can’t read it, that bottom portion reads: “Special Style- Design for the children all are fangled and in the high quality welcome you use our products.”

Well, as long as they’re all fangled… I’ll take one of each. Thanks.

*Yes, I use the term “Engrish” to cover badly-phrased translations from various countries rather than labelling them separately by origin. It’s just easier, and this seems to be the most widely-recognized term for the phenomenon. And no, I’m not mocking, though I do find it amusing, and I’m sure I’d do far worse if I had to translate something into another language from English. I just love it.


#Simondegreen

I know, it’s too late for this to be a Mondegreen Monday post. In my defense, though, I never promised that I’d offer anything here regularly or on time. That, plus a crazy weekend involving province-wide power outages, burst pipes and 8+ hours of car rides on too much Robaxacet means that I get to post this now.

Sweet deal, I know.

My older son is like me in many ways. He spends a lot of time alone, in his own little world. He often pretends he’s a rock star, and he spends hours singing and dancing in the basement. He walks to and from school bouncing to the beat in his head, singing quietly to himself. Sometimes it’s his own songs, sometimes others he’s heard.

The kid loves music, is what I’m saying.

We were all eating supper the other night, and Simon started singing to himself.

“Maaaaan on a rug! Man on a RUG!”

After a few seconds of silence, AJ asked, “Do you mean ‘Band on the run’?”

Simon thought for a bit. “Maybe.”

It’s too late for me, now. The song is always going to be Man on a Rug. Thanks, Simon.


Mondegreen Monday

I’m a BIG fan of mondegreens.

Of what, you say? You know, mondegreens. Misheard phrases or lyrics, which are often rah-ther amusing.

I mishear lyrics a LOT. I have to be careful not to sing the wrong ones around AJ, because it pisses him off. If I sing “blah, blah, blah” instead of “love, love, love” along with the Beatles, he will leave me on the side of the road and drive away.  He claims I’ve ruined “Tiny Dancer” for him by singing “hold me closer, Tony Danza,” though I would point out that Phoebe sang almost exactly the same lyrics on FRIENDS, so he should be mad at her, too.

Anyway.

Today, I offer a video that should give you a pretty good idea of what’s out there. I’m not saying this is going to happen every week, but who couldn’t use a laugh today? I know I could.

 

Have you ever been embarrassed to learn that you were singing the wrong lyrics to songs? I know there’s a long history of it in my family– I can’t believe they left out “There’s a bathroom on the right” in that video– one of my Nana’s classics. It was RIGHT THERE after one of the lines they showed! Anyway, please share in the comments, and let me know if you’d be willing to let me share yours on another Mondegreen Monday. 🙂


And I Shall Draw Them In With My Stunning Good Looks…

I usually try to avoid taking “selfies” (and if selfie isn’t the most grating currently-popular word other than “twerk,” I don’t know what is). Why? For the same reason I don’t vlog.

Cameras hate me.

I know what I look like, and when I look in the mirror, I usually like what I see. I can attempt to take a picture of myself for my facebook profile, and everything looks fine until I press that button. Hair’s good, skin looks decent, nothing too gruesome.

And THEN.

Then I push the button, and my phone destroys my image like it’s not only stolen my soul, but mangled it and spit it out along with the abstract art it shoves at me, laughing.

Okay, I suppose it’s possible that I only think this because my face is asymmetrical (particularly my jaw and that one droopy eyelid), and though I’m used to seeing that in the mirror, a photo reverses these imperfections and makes me notice them. Possible, yes, but that doesn’t explain why dents and wrinkles and moronic expressions show up that weren’t there before. I still lean toward some sort of conspiracy, or a personal vendetta on the part of my phone.

I’M SORRY I DROPPED YOU, OKAY?

Ugh.

Anyway, video’s not much better. I keep a post-it note plastered over the camera on my laptop, just in case anyone can see my writing face, which I assume looks like this:

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It’s a public service.

All of this is to say that I did take a picture of myself yesterday after my shower.

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Um… there’s a slight possibility that I need a haircut. Annnnd I look a bit like Hagrid, with my full and lustrous beard.  And I look like I’m terrified that the hair is eating me alive. And it’s a bit washed out.

But guys, this is the best self-photo I’ve ever taken. I’m gonna use it everywhere. Probably as my author photo for like, books and stuff. THE READERS, THEY SHALL FLOCK TO ME.

*cough*

*crickets*

Dang.

So: Are you a big fan of “selfie” culture? Do you perceive people who take a lot of them as being self-centred (full disclosure: I do think that, but I’m still jealous of people who look good in them)? Do you find selfies taken at funerals and the sites of historical tragedies as asinine as I do? Do you understand why girls think duck lips look sexy, and can you explain it to me? Are you camera shy? Do cameras do horrible things to you, or are you so photogenic that we can’t be friends anymore? Discuss!

Correction: THIS is the best selfie I ever took. But it was 2 years ago, so I don’t think I should use it for anything now.

It's a long story involving me making fun of selfies and then laughing for about 10 minutes straight. You probably had to be there.

It’s a long story involving me making fun of selfies and then laughing for about 10 minutes straight. You probably had to be there.


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