And I Shall Draw Them In With My Stunning Good Looks…

I usually try to avoid taking “selfies” (and if selfie isn’t the most grating currently-popular word other than “twerk,” I don’t know what is). Why? For the same reason I don’t vlog.

Cameras hate me.

I know what I look like, and when I look in the mirror, I usually like what I see. I can attempt to take a picture of myself for my facebook profile, and everything looks fine until I press that button. Hair’s good, skin looks decent, nothing too gruesome.

And THEN.

Then I push the button, and my phone destroys my image like it’s not only stolen my soul, but mangled it and spit it out along with the abstract art it shoves at me, laughing.

Okay, I suppose it’s possible that I only think this because my face is asymmetrical (particularly my jaw and that one droopy eyelid), and though I’m used to seeing that in the mirror, a photo reverses these imperfections and makes me notice them. Possible, yes, but that doesn’t explain why dents and wrinkles and moronic expressions show up that weren’t there before. I still lean toward some sort of conspiracy, or a personal vendetta on the part of my phone.

I’M SORRY I DROPPED YOU, OKAY?

Ugh.

Anyway, video’s not much better. I keep a post-it note plastered over the camera on my laptop, just in case anyone can see my writing face, which I assume looks like this:

IMG_4142

It’s a public service.

All of this is to say that I did take a picture of myself yesterday after my shower.

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Um… there’s a slight possibility that I need a haircut. Annnnd I look a bit like Hagrid, with my full and lustrous beard. Β And I look like I’m terrified that the hair is eating me alive. And it’s a bit washed out.

But guys, this is the best self-photo I’ve ever taken. I’m gonna use it everywhere. Probably as my author photo for like, books and stuff. THE READERS, THEY SHALL FLOCK TO ME.

*cough*

*crickets*

Dang.

So: Are you a big fan of “selfie” culture? Do you perceive people who take a lot of them as being self-centred (full disclosure: I do think that, but I’m still jealous of people who look good in them)? Do you find selfies taken at funerals and the sites of historical tragedies as asinine as I do? Do you understand why girls think duck lips look sexy, and can you explain it to me? Are you camera shy? Do cameras do horrible things to you, or are you so photogenic that we can’t be friends anymore? Discuss!

Correction: THIS is the best selfie I ever took. But it was 2 years ago, so I don’t think I should use it for anything now.

It's a long story involving me making fun of selfies and then laughing for about 10 minutes straight. You probably had to be there.

It’s a long story involving me making fun of selfies and then laughing for about 10 minutes straight. You probably had to be there.

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About Kate Sparkes

Kate Sparkes was born in Hamilton, Ontario, but now resides in Newfoundland, where she tries not to talk too much about the dragons she sees in the fog. She lives with a Mountie, two kids who take turns playing Jeckyll and Hyde, two cats, an intentional boxer and an accidental chihuahua. She's the author of the bestselling Bound Trilogy (mature YA Fantasy). www.katesparkes.com View all posts by Kate Sparkes

15 responses to “And I Shall Draw Them In With My Stunning Good Looks…

  • wendy lowden

    I WAS THERE! I think I actually pee’d myself that night! πŸ™‚ I have taken a few OK selfies, but only when I feel like they will look OK. The whole duck lips thing? WHAT’S WITH THAT??? I took one if my life on the way to a wedding….one was enough! Wish I could post it here for you! And FUNERALS???? REALLY? Sigh. I do get sick of selfies of people (usually female) who take them constantly and post them all….but I’m old…what do I know…
    YOU take a wonderful picture…I notice my imperfections in pics too because of the reverse image thing….don’t pick on my perfect daughter! πŸ™‚ Between you and your eyelid from your father, and Mike and his nose from who knows where….. πŸ˜‰ Think I’ll go and take a selfie! πŸ™‚

  • markbialczak

    Selfies are tough. I try not to. On the other hand, handing my phone to somebody else and saying ‘wait until you think I look good’ has resulted in long, awkward stand-offs. And let’s not even get into how my voice sounds to my ears in a video. I’ve at least learned to live through that one.

    • Kate Sparkes

      Ha! Yeah, it’s always awkward when my husband tries to take a picture of me.

      Him: “I like this one.”
      Me: “You think that’s me looking GOOD? You think I’m hideous?!”

      I find it’s best to just avoid cameras. πŸ™‚

  • Dave

    Ha. These are great. I’m not into selfies either unless my dog, Norman, is sitting on my lap while I work (trust me he doesn’t really fit but he thinks he does). He looks so cute I just can’t resist taking a picture or two. Oh, and my wife loves taking selfies of the two of us. Generally, it takes a number of shots before we’re both happy with how we look.

  • Phillip McCollum

    The camera and I aren’t friends, hence my adoption into the Simpson family you see as my avatar.

  • theforestscribe

    and why do so many selfies have gansta signs????? Love your selfies you mad thing! hagrid my fav!

  • Emily Witt

    I’ve had to master the art of the selfie while I’ve been travelling because I’ve got no one else to take photos of me and I would feel like a pain constantly asking people to take photos for me. I don’t understand duck face, though; I just smile. I usually do have to take the photo three or four times before I’m happy with it, though.

  • L. Marie

    I love others’ selfies, but not my own!! Good ones, Kate!

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