I usually try to avoid taking “selfies” (and if selfie isn’t the most grating currently-popular word other than “twerk,” I don’t know what is). Why? For the same reason I don’t vlog.

Cameras hate me.

I know what I look like, and when I look in the mirror, I usually like what I see. I can attempt to take a picture of myself for my facebook profile, and everything looks fine until I press that button. Hair’s good, skin looks decent, nothing too gruesome.

And THEN.

Then I push the button, and my phone destroys my image like it’s not only stolen my soul, but mangled it and spit it out along with the abstract art it shoves at me, laughing.

Okay, I suppose it’s possible that I only think this because my face is asymmetrical (particularly my jaw and that one droopy eyelid), and though I’m used to seeing that in the mirror, a photo reverses these imperfections and makes me notice them. Possible, yes, but that doesn’t explain why dents and wrinkles and moronic expressions show up that weren’t there before. I still lean toward some sort of conspiracy, or a personal vendetta on the part of my phone.

I’M SORRY I DROPPED YOU, OKAY?

Ugh.

Anyway, video’s not much better. I keep a post-it note plastered over the camera on my laptop, just in case anyone can see my writing face, which I assume looks like this:

It’s a public service.

All of this is to say that I did take a picture of myself yesterday after my shower.

Um… there’s a slight possibility that I need a haircut. Annnnd I look a bit like Hagrid, with my full and lustrous beard.  And I look like I’m terrified that the hair is eating me alive. And it’s a bit washed out.

But guys, this is the best self-photo I’ve ever taken. I’m gonna use it everywhere. Probably as my author photo for like, books and stuff. THE READERS, THEY SHALL FLOCK TO ME.

*cough*

*crickets*

Dang.

So: Are you a big fan of “selfie” culture? Do you perceive people who take a lot of them as being self-centred (full disclosure: I do think that, but I’m still jealous of people who look good in them)? Do you find selfies taken at funerals and the sites of historical tragedies as asinine as I do? Do you understand why girls think duck lips look sexy, and can you explain it to me? Are you camera shy? Do cameras do horrible things to you, or are you so photogenic that we can’t be friends anymore? Discuss!

Correction: THIS is the best selfie I ever took. But it was 2 years ago, so I don’t think I should use it for anything now.

It’s a long story involving me making fun of selfies and then laughing for about 10 minutes straight. You probably had to be there.