LUV 4 EVAR

Remember conversation hearts? They’re those candies that taste like chalk (except for the yellow ones; they taste like banana-flavored chalk), and they say things like “BE MINE” and “HUG ME.”

Good times. Well, not really. Not if you’re a self-conscious kid who lives in fear of giving a KISS ME to the wrong classmate (and let’s face it: in 4th grade, they’re all the wrong one).

I got some the other day in a (super duper!) birthday package. They’ve changed. They still taste like chalk, of course- some traditions you just don’t mess with. But the messages are different. They’re MODERN!

UR IT. BE TRU 2 U.

Have I ever told you all how much I hate text speak, or whatever they call this? It’s not cute, it makes you sound like an asshole. Just saying.

BITE ME

If you care, write me a nice letter. Send a card. Call me. Don’t text me. (Also, don’t send me a picture of your junk. This is not romantic. Time and a place, people!)

Hippies, or swingers? Who can tell? The mystery is half of the fun! (These ones aren’t new, I just liked how they showed up together in the package)

I’m not going to say changing these things is bad; I’m not quite ready to sit on my front porch and yell at kids to git offa my lawn*. Also, they’re candies. Who cares, right? We’re not talking about the downfall of civilization, here. But if you ever catch me using a phrase like 2 HOT 4 U in anything other than a mocking tone, please slap me. Hard.**

That’s it. No big message here. That’s X minutes of your life you’re never getting back.

Happy Almost-Valentine’s Day! *evil laugh*

*ask again after my birthday.

**I would not be at all surprised if you could get candy hearts with this on them.

UPDATE: You can get adult conversation hearts, but looking for them will do terrible things to your internet search history.