People seem to agree (at least, in the comments on my last post) that less is more in character description, and natural better than forced.
So of course, I had to write the worst character intro description I could, because doing things the wrong way is way more fun than it should be.
Come on, you’d totally keep reading this, right? 😉
(for Jae)
–
I interrupted the flow of early-story action to study the oil painting of myself I’d just happened to finish the night before, because looking in a mirror is, like, so cliche, amirite? My sapphire blue eyes captivated me from beneath perfectly groomed, raven black eyebrows; my lips were like ruby-red cushions of desire, and my adorable little nose was almost as perky as my breasts. My alabaster skin glowed in the painting as it does in real life, like, all the time, and I sighed excessively over the tiny mole on my upper lip that everyone said lent my appearance a charming hint of imperfection that is so important in a heroine, but that I hated with a passion. Because I’m flawed. Did you catch that?
“Dude,” said my boyfriend, who was ridiculously handsome in ways that I will explain in excessive detail in a few paragraphs, “you are beautiful, and you forgot to mention that your earlobes are small but perfectly formed, but perhaps you could admire your painting and think more about your appearance when there aren’t any zombie capybaras invading your family’s colonial brick mansion, which is lovely but really not defensible in any way?’
I sighed and flipped my long, wavy, ebony locks back over a perfectly formed shoulder. ‘Fine,’ I said, ‘but when we get to the obligatory Zombies in the Mall Scene, I insist on at least twenty minutes in a changeroom with adequate lighting and a 3-way mirror. The People have a right to know how my butt looks in a miniskirt.”
He didn’t answer. A capybara was gnawing on his kneecap. Asshole.
disregard the prologue 
March 28th, 2013 at 1:24 pm
Bwahahahaha! Such an insensitive boyfriend though. Yeesh. I think this shows signs of being a good writer, because even though you were trying to make this the worst description ever, your cleverness still came out in it. Thanks! 😀
March 28th, 2013 at 1:51 pm
You’re so welcome! I shouldn’t have found this as entertaining as I did. 😛
March 28th, 2013 at 2:26 pm
This is pure brillance. I would read it…and roll around giggling the entire time! 🙂
March 28th, 2013 at 2:28 pm
yay! 😀
March 28th, 2013 at 2:40 pm
Oh please please write an entire book like this! It would kill 50 Shades on the best seller lists! I actually snorted milk out my nose at “my nose was almost as perky as my breasts”! And since I was sneaking milk out the jug, it made a mess, lemme tell ya. 🙂
March 28th, 2013 at 2:42 pm
Oops, sorry! Glad you enjoyed it. Yeah, the story would have to have multiple love triangles… Extremely well-defined high school cliques… Absent and/or useless parents… What else?
March 28th, 2013 at 3:18 pm
Hahahaha! My favorite part: “Because I’m flawed. Did you catch that?” Thank you for calling out authors who gives their characters “flaws” that don’t actually matter in an attempt to make them more relatable (Why does WordPress say this not spelled correctly? “Relatable” is a word, right?). Also, I love capybaras! They make a nice ending here. =)
March 28th, 2013 at 3:32 pm
“Yeah, I’m like, awkward and clumsy, but everyone falls in love with me and I only trip when it’s convenient” kind of flaws? 🙂
March 29th, 2013 at 5:34 am
“my adorable little nose was almost as perky as my breasts” Hey, mine too!! Um . . . yeah. This was absolutely hysterical. Great way to start off my morning.
March 29th, 2013 at 2:42 pm
I agree with Jae. It’s tongue in cheek. Very fun.
March 29th, 2013 at 3:11 pm
This totally made my day. 🙂 I always hate those flaws that aren’t really flaws, like a cute sprinkling of freckles, or, as you mentioned, being clumsy when it’s convenient. Or the worst, the characters who claim they’re not pretty, but every single other character in the book treats them like they’re gorgeous.
Thanks for the laugh!
April 1st, 2013 at 4:59 pm
[…] always, there were tons of great blog posts happening all around us as well, but this one really cracked me up. I’m still laughing – thanks, Kate! And in honor of March, […]
April 1st, 2013 at 5:14 pm
The wrong way is much more fun! That was hilarious ~ thanks for the good Monday laugh!
May 16th, 2014 at 9:05 pm
Ha! You’re right – doing it wrong is always more fun! Thanks for the great laughs. 🙂
May 16th, 2014 at 9:09 pm
It is! And easier, because you don’t care how people judge it. 😀
March 10th, 2016 at 12:07 pm
[…] Source: Since We’re Talking About Character Descriptions… […]
March 10th, 2016 at 12:09 pm
[…] https://disregardtheprologue.com/2013/03/28/since-were-talking-about-character-descriptions/ […]
March 10th, 2016 at 3:39 pm
LOL I love this, amazing job. 😀 Have you ever heard of the notorious fanfiction “My Immortal”? Because that’s kind of what it reminded me of, lol.
March 10th, 2016 at 4:10 pm
It sounds familiar, but I’ve read very little fanfiction. Based on that, I might not want to! 😆