Here I sit… accomplishing nothing at all.
I generally consider worry to be a useless state, a waste of energy and imagination. I’ve had enough to worry about in my life (though by no means as much as some), and I’ve learned that freaking out over what might happen makes absolutely no difference in the outcome.
If you can do something about it, stop worrying and do it.
If you can’t do anything about it, worrying is only making it worse.
…or so the theory goes.
About a month ago, I went to a doctor who specializes in… okay, you know what? Just avert your eyes if you think girl stuff is icky. Walk away. I’m not going to get graphic, but I’m also not going to act like I’m ashamed of having lady bits.
I like my lady bits. This is not really about them.
I went to see an OB/GYN about some issues I was having, and we discussed treatment options. We decided on an outpatient surgical procedure that would allow my condition to be treated without long-term drug use, because I’m sensitive to medications. If it has side-effects, I’ll probably get them.
Before I left, he had to do a test. Take a sample. A biopsy, but not a scary “we think you have cancer, let’s check” biopsy, just a test to make sure everything is okay. He said to remind him the day of the surgery to check on the test results, because I wouldn’t hear any more about them otherwise. I got into the least-dignified position imaginable in front of a complete stranger, he made me cry*, it was all good.
A week and a half later, my family doctor’s office called. “She wants to see you for an appointment. I’m going to book you in for Tuesday.”
That didn’t work out (my husband has to be off work to be home with the kids when I do the 45 minute drive to the doctor), and today was the soonest I could get in.
I told myself not to worry, because that’s useless, and I figured out reasons I shouldn’t worry. She probably just wants to see me about the test results because…
Hmm, I don’t know. She doesn’t book appointments when PAP test results come back negative (though I take some comfort in the fact that THAT was all normal last time).
But she probably just wants to talk about the treatment I decided on, right? And the fact that it was okay to add 2 weeks to the appointment wait time means it’s not an emergency.
I’ve hardly thought about it since I booked the appointment. Still, I HATE this. I hate not knowing. I’m distracted, I should be working right now, but I just keep looking at the damned clock.
I understand why doctors can’t give test results over the phone, even when everything is fine, but there has to be a better way to do things than “she wants to see you, imma book you in like, right nao, mmmkay? Kewl?”**
My fault for having to wait, I know.
So anyway, I’m sure everything’s fine. I’m not worried.
I just want to get this over with.
UPDATE: I tried to beta read to distract myself, since I might as well use this time for something productive. Kobo died, can’t find the charge cord. Not amused.
FURTHER UPDATE: The Chief Risk Officer and Executive Director of China Gungfua Bank in Hong Kong wants to present me as owner of $49.5 million dollars US. Now it’s the BEST DAY EVAR!
*For the record, not everyone finds getting their innards scraped as painful as I did, and if your doctor says the words “endometrial biopsy,” you should not freak out… Unless you’re a man. Then you can smile, nod, and back right out of that quack’s office, ’cause you don’t have a uterus. Unless you do, in which case, good for you! (PS: I am not a medical professional, never listen to me. Ever.)
**Also for the record, this is not how my doctor’s receptionist talks. I have nothing but respect for that poor, overworked woman.
November 18th, 2013 at 3:11 pm
Isn’t it fun to be a woman??????
Sending healing thoughts your way. I’m glad you’re getting treatment, but I’m sorry you have to wait on the results. Will definitely be thinking of you in the coming days.
November 18th, 2013 at 3:33 pm
Ok, I’m not a woman, but I can relate to the primary topic: waiting for test results. Yikes, is there anything worse? I’m sure there is, but it still sucks. My wife endured the same thing recently, and it wasn’t fun. Nor is it fun doing the waiting.
Hang in there. Knowing you shouldn’t worry is a far cry from being able to put that into practice. Hasn’t worked for me yet. If you figure out how, please let me know 🙂 Hope all goes well for you, Kate.
November 18th, 2013 at 4:13 pm
Well, the news is good, so I was right to at least TRY not to worry. I need treatment, but it’s not an emergency, and nothing is going to kill me. YAY!
I’ll get back to you if I figure out the worry thing. All I figured out today was that I should take notes on the physical symptoms of emotions for future reference.
Mild anxiety is tingly in my arms, and makes my fingers cold… Think readers would relate to that? 🙂
November 18th, 2013 at 6:14 pm
Glad to hear the good news, Kate. I know you must feel a huge sense of relief.
November 18th, 2013 at 8:13 pm
I went through a similar issue at beginning of this year so I totally understand…I hope all is well and your in my thoughts!
November 19th, 2013 at 2:19 pm
I had the biopsy, tried the meds, still had the problem and said to H with it! Had a Davinci Robotics hysterectomy with NO, I repeat, NO pain, and NO scarring, and NO recovery time…had a party at my house the next day with 20 people….never been happier.
November 19th, 2013 at 4:17 pm
Please tell me that means your doctor was a robot. 🙂
November 19th, 2013 at 4:24 pm
The surgeon had to log 3600 hours on a video game like synthesizer before she could perform the surgery. She is actually in another room from me in a suited up virtual reality type thing. Her assistant in the room with me made four tiny cuts for the instruments. The surgeon performs the operation from the other room. http://www.davincihysterectomy.com/
November 19th, 2013 at 4:26 pm
That’s so amazing! Makes what they’re going to do to me seem barbaric.
November 19th, 2013 at 4:28 pm
I was truly amazed. a friend of mine had the laparoscopic hysterectomy vaginally and was still in enormous pain for weeks. I had NO PAIN. It was as if I had never even had surgery.
November 19th, 2013 at 4:35 pm
That’s insane! In a good way.
November 19th, 2013 at 2:21 pm
Oh yes…I see in your comments, all is well! Great news. Hope the treatments work for you.
November 22nd, 2013 at 5:34 pm
Ugh that’s awful having to wait. In the US, my doctors give me good news over the phone. Anything else they usually ask me in. But Canada sounds like a completely different system. 🙂 Wish they could just email you the results.
November 22nd, 2013 at 5:37 pm
My doctor doesn’t call at all when tests come back normal, so I guess that’s kind of like giving out good results over the phone. It turns out my results weren’t exactly normal, but they’re nothing to worry about… as I tried to tell myself before. 🙂