How To Make Instant Crappuccino Almost Palatable

Before we begin today’s lesson, let me just say this:

I KNOW.

Completely inexcusable. A travesty, a horror, a crime against coffee. No arguments here. But I don’t even own a coffee-maker, let alone anything that can do fancy drinks, and the only places in driving distance to get them are Tim Horton’s and McDonald’s, and they’re 45 minutes away.

Stop judging me. Until they invent a DIY caffeine IV, I’m stuck.

Anyway… Yeah, instant cappuccino. Looks good on the box, but you just knew that was a big, fat lie before you even bought it. But hey, you were desperate, you went there. You made one according to package directions, and it was AMAZING. Sublime. Transcendental.

Just kidding! It tasted like crap. Worse was the gritty, powdery lumps that floated to the top looking like cheese curds and tasting like… Well, like gritty instant coffee and powdered milk.

Siiiiick.

So now you have a box of this shit sitting in your cupboard, taunting you with the promise of your legal drug of choice. I’ve been there, and it’s going to be ok. I’m going to share with you my super special method for making this stuff not bad.

I’m sorry, that’s all I can promise. But I can drink 2 a day (3 in November or on a bad headache day, which is terrible).

Here’s what they say you need, plus boiling water:

20130204-110057.jpg

Don’t believe them. You need to add milk, and possibly a wee bit of sugar if that’s your thing. Also, this little guy is your new best friend:

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I don’t know what to call it. It’s a tiny whisk-y think that came with my kids’ play kitchen. Henceforth, it shall be called Whisky thing.

Whiskey thing… Huh. That might actually help. *note to self*

So put your crappuccino in your cup, add water to the 1/2 to 3/4 mark, and whisk the SHIT out of that bad boy. Use a spoon to get the thick bit out of the bottom if you’re feeling ambitious.

Now, the milk. Warm it up- adding cold milk will make the foam solidify. I blame the coconut oilHOLY CRAP WHY AM I DRINKING THIS IT’S PURE EVIL.

Just do it. Whisk the milk is you’re the fancy type, but I don’t. We’re already making a heroic effort here, don’t be a show-off.

Add your milk. Do not try to take a picture while you pour, because it will end up all over the counter.

20130204-110943.jpg

I may or may not speak from experience.

Whisk it all again.

That’s it. I have no fancy toppings to offer to make it look like the one on the box, but we’ve improved the taste and texture.

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I’m going to be honest. It’s not Starbucks or Second Cup, or whatever über-hip coffee hole you’re all going to without me, you bastards. It’s not even a Tim Horton’s latte.

I would take it over a McDonald’s latte, though. They taste like the water that an Olympic sprinting team washed their socks in.*

FOR THE LOVE OF CAFFEINE, WILL SOMEONE JUST BUY ME A KEURIG ALREADY?

* I know exactly who is going to disagree with me on this…

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About Kate Sparkes

Kate Sparkes was born in Hamilton, Ontario, but now resides in Newfoundland, where she tries not to talk too much about the dragons she sees in the fog. She lives with a Mountie, two kids who take turns playing Jeckyll and Hyde, two cats, an intentional boxer and an accidental chihuahua. She's the author of the bestselling Bound Trilogy (mature YA Fantasy). www.katesparkes.com View all posts by Kate Sparkes

11 responses to “How To Make Instant Crappuccino Almost Palatable

  • Kat

    I bought that stuff once. Once. Never again. The number 1 item on my wedding registry was a tassimo. Now I just need to stock up on discs for it before I move to the middle of no where. I’m wondering though if the liquid Nescafé ICED cappuccino stuff is any good when heated up. It’s excellent cold if you like iced coffee. Might be worth a try.

  • Ricarda

    I am shocked and outraged on my poor breakfast drink’s behalf XD
    I have no idea what they sell you for instant cappuccino in Canada (?), but I drink the very same Nescafé cappuccino every day, and it’s good. I mean, nothing beats the iced mocca latte from World Coffee, but it’s still quite all right^^
    God, I’d probably go crazy if our instant cappuccino were that bad oO

    • katemsparkes

      Well, I DID say it was better than McDonald’s coffee… 😛

      Maybe I should have noted that I’m not really a coffee drinker, so I’m really picky about how I want it to taste. I just found the texture revolting when I first tried it, and couldn’t get the lumps out until I tried the whisky thinger. Really, all I’ve done here is mix it harder and add some milk, plus inserted some completely unnecessary, first-world-problems-type bitching. 🙂

      • katemsparkes

        (also, I do drink these things every freaking day now and buy the boxes three at a time so I don’t have to drive the 45 minutes to the grocery store when I run out, so… but yeah, coconut oil in coffee sounds super gross, doesn’t it?)

        • Ricarda

          …actually, it sounds like something I should try some time :O
          The texture is always a problem. I solved it with a bit of magical help from a milk frother 😀 Those things also do wonders when trying to make a decent salad dressing. I have no idea how I ever lived without one…

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    […] (Camp) NaNo! Do you know what that means? Sadly, it does not mean I’m all stocked up on crappuccino; I’ll have to fix that later. No, it means that I know exactly what I’m going to be […]

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    […] to make nescafe cuppacino so its not lumpy – Okay, this sounds random, but I can actually help. I assume this person found the right post. Just remember: TINY WHISK […]

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