No, it’s nothing you did. It’s nothing anyone did, it’s nothing that happened. It just is what it is. It happens. I have depression, it’s being treated (usually very successfully), but there are days when my brain goes all wacky anyway. I think it might be hormonal. Who am I kidding, it totally is. Both times I was pregnant, I spend 40 weeks wanting to be dead. Not wanting to kill myself, just kind of not wanting to exist anymore.
Stupid chemicals.
So yeah, my brain is topsy-turvy today, which lets in the negative thoughts that I have to fight off, but also leaves me with no energy to do so. Nice twist there, Mother Nature. Send someone to attack me, and magically make all of the knives in my kitchen disappear and paralyze me so I wouldn’t have been able to use them anyway.
Not much I can do except keep pushing back (praying, reframing and challenging negative thoughts, breathing deeply and trying not to scream at my family to leave me alone), and reminding myself that it will pass in a day or two. And yes, even at times like this, I’m grateful for the fact that I can assume that now. One of the worst things in the past was not knowing if or when it would get better.
Seriously, guys, depression sucks. I son’t recommend it.
Anyway, #ROW80. I doubt I’ll get much done today… Wednesday’s write-in with the writing ninjas* was great; I was only on for an hour and a half and got 1,500 words in, which is 150% of my daily goal. I clearly need more small-group word sprints in my life. I doubt I’m going to finish this novella before JuNoWriMo starts, so that’ll have to be put on hold for a while starting on the first. I’ve decided to re-draft Torn for JuNo, which I guess means that WIPpet Wednesdays next month might take us back to the world of Bound, which will be fun. For me, anyway.
Since my word count goals will have to shoot up next month to 1677 words a day (I prefer 2000 to give myself some wiggle room), I’m going to give myself some time off this week. Not OFF off… I’ll still be writing. I’m just not going to put a lot of pressure n myself to get 1,000 words a day in. That’s the beauty of ROW80, right? Real life interferes, you adjust your goals.
As for my reading goals, I’m not getting much done there, either. I need to shut down the computer more often and just read.
For more (and probably more cheerful!) Updates from the ROW80 crew, click here. 🙂
I’m going to leave you with a very deep thought that came to me through my “pending comments” folder. Somehow, this little gem slipped past the WordPress spam filter and made it to the “awaiting moderation” section.
“Your buy cheap viagra online chance to makeher adore you”
OH IF ONLY LIFE WERE THAT SIMPLE.
–
*Wednesdays at 8PM EST on Twitter, #NinjaWI. Sign up here… but I keep forgetting to update. 
disregard the prologue 
May 26th, 2013 at 9:34 am
Thinking of you, pulling for you, praying for you, Kate. You’re not alone. I’ve been there and have the antidepressant prescriptions to prove it. Glad you’re not pressuring yourself. Is it snowing still? That’s tough in itself. Glad you’re still writing though. Be good to yourself.
May 26th, 2013 at 9:37 am
No, it’s not snowing, thank goodness! We had a few warmer days, and Friday night was so warm we need to get the fan out. Today’s cold again, but NOT cold enough for snow. I worried that I jinxed it by planting cauliflower, but I think we’re OK as far as that goes.
Thank you for your thoughts and prayers. One of the things I struggle with is the fact that I have so much trouble making friends, but then I remember the value of all of the friends I’ve never met. 🙂
May 26th, 2013 at 10:30 am
I’m sorry to hear that. I also struggle with friendships. I hope that won’t always be the case for you. Will be thinking of you this week.
May 26th, 2013 at 9:41 am
[…] Kate Sparkes […]
May 26th, 2013 at 10:15 am
Just wanted to let you know that I enjoy updates like this; about real life mixing with writing life. I hope that your wonky brain chemistry will un-wonk itself soon 🙂 Take care!
May 26th, 2013 at 3:21 pm
Thanks! Getting out of the house this morning helped a bit, but now I’m exhausted. Fair trade-off, I guess!
May 26th, 2013 at 11:24 am
I’m sorry you’re going through a rough patch. I hope you feel better soon!
May 26th, 2013 at 3:21 pm
Thanks 🙂
May 26th, 2013 at 1:05 pm
Hope you get through the bump in the road soon, Kate!
May 26th, 2013 at 3:21 pm
Thanks, Phillip. I’m sure it’s just a little pothole… bad time of year for those. 🙂
May 26th, 2013 at 1:35 pm
I know what depression is, I know how hard it is to push back, and I’ve seen its darkest side. You’re doing everything right and will get through. I know you will.
May 26th, 2013 at 3:23 pm
Thanks. It’ encouraging to hear from people who understand. I know people mean well when they way “Well, you should think happy thoughts” and things like that, but it really doesn’t help. You’re helping. 🙂
May 26th, 2013 at 1:52 pm
*HUGS*
May 26th, 2013 at 3:23 pm
*SQUIIIIIISHES*
May 26th, 2013 at 6:33 pm
Thanks for your honesty in your writing life. It’s so important to realize that things aren’t always roses, but even in the darkest of times, you can push through and accomplish things. Keep going and don’t give up! Best of luck to you. 🙂
May 27th, 2013 at 2:04 pm
I think that you’re able to push back shows the strength you have in the face of depression. I’ve known a few individuals who are unable to even try that much. Whether or not it feels like effort to you, you are battling that depression in amazing ways. Don’t forget that. 🙂
May 27th, 2013 at 2:14 pm
Our brains don’t half mess about with us – I hope you can push through this negative time and get back to feeling good soon. Glad you’ve managed to get on with writing over the last week. Big hugs.
May 27th, 2013 at 4:59 pm
Ah wish I hadn’t been so late with reading the blogs this week. Totally understand the wonky chemical things – and those people who tell you to cheer up. Bless them, they have no idea. But ((hugs)), prayers and general there-for-you-ness from this far-flung corner of the earth. I hope it has already passed. And thanks too for being so nice to me last week when things were sucking here!
May 28th, 2013 at 10:48 pm
Late to the blog here… wishing I’d stopped in sooner…
*shakes head slowly, uncertain of what to say*
About 20 years ago I was hospitalized for depression…well, a suicide attempt actually. Until then everyone assumed I was just stubborn, lazy, what-have-you (pick your choice of negative terms)… I’m bi-polar, but because clinical depression runs in my family, my highs are never that high, but my lows are incredibly low.
It seems wrong to say “I know where you are coming from”, but I do. A lot of what I’m taking about when I mention “ebbs and flows” is meant in reference to these highs and lows. Like you, I’ve found comfort in knowing that it’s only temporary. It’s wonderful that you’ve found the strength and assurance in that truth, Kate.
I’d say “Fake it until you make it” helps… it does most of the time. And even when it doesn’t, it at least smooths the domestic issues…
A classic we can all relate to: http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.ca/2011/10/adventures-in-depression.html
May you never get to that point (or where I did). If you have, may you never do so again.