Before we begin today’s lesson, let me just say this:

I KNOW.

Completely inexcusable. A travesty, a horror, a crime against coffee. No arguments here. But I don’t even own a coffee-maker, let alone anything that can do fancy drinks, and the only places in driving distance to get them are Tim Horton’s and McDonald’s, and they’re 45 minutes away.

Stop judging me. Until they invent a DIY caffeine IV, I’m stuck.

Anyway… Yeah, instant cappuccino. Looks good on the box, but you just knew that was a big, fat lie before you even bought it. But hey, you were desperate, you went there. You made one according to package directions, and it was AMAZING. Sublime. Transcendental.

Just kidding! It tasted like crap. Worse was the gritty, powdery lumps that floated to the top looking like cheese curds and tasting like… Well, like gritty instant coffee and powdered milk.

Siiiiick.

So now you have a box of this shit sitting in your cupboard, taunting you with the promise of your legal drug of choice. I’ve been there, and it’s going to be ok. I’m going to share with you my super special method for making this stuff not bad.

I’m sorry, that’s all I can promise. But I can drink 2 a day (3 in November or on a bad headache day, which is terrible).

Here’s what they say you need, plus boiling water:

Don’t believe them. You need to add milk, and possibly a wee bit of sugar if that’s your thing. Also, this little guy is your new best friend:

I don’t know what to call it. It’s a tiny whisk-y think that came with my kids’ play kitchen. Henceforth, it shall be called Whisky thing.

Whiskey thing… Huh. That might actually help. *note to self*

So put your crappuccino in your cup, add water to the 1/2 to 3/4 mark, and whisk the SHIT out of that bad boy. Use a spoon to get the thick bit out of the bottom if you’re feeling ambitious.

Now, the milk. Warm it up- adding cold milk will make the foam solidify. I blame the coconut oilHOLY CRAP WHY AM I DRINKING THIS IT’S PURE EVIL.

Just do it. Whisk the milk is you’re the fancy type, but I don’t. We’re already making a heroic effort here, don’t be a show-off.

Add your milk. Do not try to take a picture while you pour, because it will end up all over the counter.

I may or may not speak from experience.

Whisk it all again.

That’s it. I have no fancy toppings to offer to make it look like the one on the box, but we’ve improved the taste and texture.

I’m going to be honest. It’s not Starbucks or Second Cup, or whatever über-hip coffee hole you’re all going to without me, you bastards. It’s not even a Tim Horton’s latte.

I would take it over a McDonald’s latte, though. They taste like the water that an Olympic sprinting team washed their socks in.*

FOR THE LOVE OF CAFFEINE, WILL SOMEONE JUST BUY ME A KEURIG ALREADY?
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* I know exactly who is going to disagree with me on this…